My testimony....the sniffleless, non ad-libbed version. ;)

This is my testimony I shared at my moms group this morning. Several people asked me for a copy so I figured I would turn it into a blog post for whomever wants to read it.

No matter how hard I tried to convince myself otherwise I think God wanted me to share a message that I got a few years ago with you.

I was considering doing this but didn’t know what I’d say when a friend that sees me on my most chaotic day of the week asked me a question that shocked me and kind of jump started the train of thought that led to this message. She asked me, “How do you always seem to have it all together? With all you have going on, I just don’t understand.” I paused and I thought, “together? how on earth can someone perceive ME as having it all together? My life is busier than ever and I gave up trying to keep it together or heck even fake that a long time ago!” I had to laugh it off and I told her I certainly didn’t. 

I could have let it go there but I kept replaying those words in my head, questioning myself, what vibe am I giving off that someone could possibly think I have it all together? That’s certainly not what I think of myself and I want to make sure what I am putting out there is sincere and transparent. In these days and times I think women can be really critical of themselves especially if they surround themselves with other women who are putting on a facade so I over-share, I am the queen of TMI and almost to a fault have no shame in an attempt to compensate for that.

I do those things primarily because I think if we pretend to be something other than the unique, flawed children of God we are, it can create a vicious cycle of a bunch of women walking around pretending they’ve got it all together yet falling apart on the inside. It’s my belief that by living anything other than a genuine life you are truly robbing others around you and yourself of grace and the freedom of feeling that grace, the same grace God has given us, the same grace we should be paying forward. I think everyone around us would benefit from us sharing that maybe we don’t have it all together and that that’s normal and even OK, so that’s what I try to do.  

I used to fall into the trap and wasn’t always comfortable admitting my flaws, but I have made an effort for a few years to change that about myself. I now lead what I would consider a much more genuine life. Yet somehow my friends have seen a change in me and this one in particular thinks I have it all together? I was baffled. I then realized something pretty big and something I am pretty proud of. I may at times appears to some as though I have it all together but that is not at all the case. It is ONLY because God has it all together and HE is finally where He belongs; He is in the driver seat of my life. Wow, I thought, this is pretty awesome! All those years I drove, letting him sit shotgun of course, and yet I never got this response but now I give up total control and people think I have it together. I was so excited to realize that the peace, comfort, and joy He has given my life was showing through me and is recognizable to others. I just had to share my story with you today and pray that it helps someone in here the way God intended it to. 

Sounds great right?! Don’t you want to know how you can trick people into thinking you’ve got it all together? Just kidding there are no tricks but I can tell you what I have learned and offer you hope through my experience and then pray that God works in your life as he has in mine. 

You see, I wasn’t always as faithful with my life as I am today, up until a few years ago I was always trying to be the one in control and sometimes it is still a daily battle which is why the comment I think stuck with me and I went through my checklist just to make sure I wasn’t reverting back to bad habits.

I am a recovering say yes to everything and anything, put everyone else before myself, do everything I am supposed to do not what I really want to do, unrealistic expectations having, first born, people pleasing, tough love giving, black and white, conditionally loving, sarcastic, dark humored, hard core, bossy, perfectionist, know it all, control freak with no boundaries! To put it mildly. Or at least that is how I now describe my former self and how my little sister and those who have known me all these years might still. 

I however am thankful that today I don’t use those words much to describe myself. Instead I would say that I am a humble, faithful believer that now knows that by relinquishing that perception of control I only thought I had over my life, I only lost fear, anxiety, stress and exhaustion and I gained perspective and a peace that has made my life so much more joyful than I ever could have imagined. After I gave up the desire to even try to do it on my own everything fell into place. Not overnight, not because I wanted to change and certainly not because I thought I needed to but because God smacked me upside the head with everything in His toolbox and then flipped my life upside down until I finally felt I had no choice but to give up and let Him lead me. 

About 3 years ago when those characteristics I mentioned had gotten me by and not just by but doing well by all accounts and I thought I was doing well I was kind of on cruise control doing life the way I thought it was meant to be done. I did everything I was “supposed” to as I was supposed to do it. Sure I had problems but not “real” problems, I handled these all on my own and no one ever was the wiser. I was doing good things, by all accounts I was a good person. I was a believer but I did not live my daily life in faith, I learned the hard way there is a big difference! 

Little did I know cruise controlling it was about to cause a big crash in my life. The economy took a nose dive, finances were starting to get rocky and we couldn’t comfortably afford our home. The stress was definitely taking it’s toll on our family (I think this is when God started whispering to me - you need to make a change let me help you) but I trudged thru never changing anything and never relinquishing control. Work was feeling more and more unbearable and the stress was wearing on the family (God was tapping on my shoulder this time talking a little louder) but I slapped on a smile daily and did what I was “supposed to do.” Then I started having health problems, for months I had terrible migraines and stroke like symptoms, I went to the emergency room a handful of times, talking my husband out of the ambulance ride because after all “I got this” (God was shaking me this time not happy about being ignored so far) I should have made a change, took care of myself for once but I didn’t. Then when my oldest child was 2 and my youngest was six months old I was diagnosed with a brain tumor! What I refer to as God’s 2 by 4 smacking me upside the head. I was devastated, I had no idea what on earth was going on with my life but I still thought I had it under control. I even went to work the day after being diagnosed. I can only imagine that at this point, God was probably like is this girl for real? She still thinks she has this? Still doesn’t think she needs me huh? And I did think I had it, I demanded Mayo Clinic as a second opinion, ran all over town for doctor’s appointments and thought for sure I’d figure this out on my own. Shortly thereafter when I really thought I couldn’t take anymore but had not turned anything over to God, and was still playing the “I got his game daily” my marriage fell apart. That was my 4x4, smack!!!! Right upside my brain tumored hard head!  

Let me tell you, to be where I am now in my walk with Him and live everyday with the freedom my faith in Him provides me I can see clearly that all the things I thought were going wrong in my life at that time were all the things I now know he gave me to get me to where I am today. I did not feel this way at the time and I know it sounds crazy but I now look back at that time in my life and think those struggles were the best thing that ever could have happened to me. I am grateful beyond words for what I went through, I also now look at current and future challenges as blessings because of my new found perspective. I want to share with you what I learned from all of that and give you a little advice that I have put into action because of that experience. These lessons changed my life and I hope they help someone in this room.  

Step 1 

Stop! STOP trying to do it on your own!!!! Lean on him!!!!! And not just in the quiet of night when the kids have beaten you down all day and you are tired and weak enough to ask for help, keeping it to yourself and then waking in the morning to play another day of the “I got this” game, but openly admit you need Him and that He is there for you! Share your so called flaws and weaknesses with yourself, with one another, with your children. The best people in life are the ones that are humble, that are faithful and that are there for one another. Be that person to yourself and to others. I have never been more vulnerable than that point in my life and when I started sharing my troubles with my closest friends and family and received their unconditional love in return I was humbled and awed. It made it easier for me to admit to God I needed Him too. You never know if you are going to be that person to someone else simply by being there for them. You can have a profound affect on another’s relationship with God simply by being a vulnerable and supportive friend. 

Step 2 

Get real!!!!!! It doesn’t get more real than the Bible and the expectations outlined for you there so stop turning to everything else to see what’s expected of you. Limit your expectations on yourself to what’s truly your God given role, everything else is just icing on the cake. Do what God has called you to do. Not what the world we live in has called you to do. Don’t look to Pinterest to be inspired on what mother you should be. Look to His word and the examples of flawed yet amazing people that left their story to guide us for what to do. After my diagnosis, I spent a lot of time thinking about if “that was my time had I spent it the way I wanted to?” and the answer was no. From that point forward I made a conscious effort to stay in the moment with my kids, even if it meant not getting a special craft done or leaving dishes in the sink. You’d shutter to know how many things I have pinned yet never done or plan to do. ;) 

Step 3

Put your life in Godly order. Prioritize the way we all know we should but tend to forget. God first, Husband second and then our children. This is HARD especially when you are trying to flip your life right side up, your disappointed and still have to live daily life. It’s definitely easier said than done but put the energy into these things in this order and I promise you it will be worth it. To be honest, I struggled with making God my priority especially when my life was such a mess. I felt like I needed to spend time on things that would give me immediate results not just hope for the future, my present was such a hot mess I could barely even see my future. But I did it, I took lots of little leaps of faith, I joined this mom's group and worked on my personal relationship with God, we sold our home, I left work,  we put our family first and my husband and I sought counseling, we made sure we recognized the importance of being a whole couple before we could be good parents and work hard to keep it that way. We’ve never been happier. My life lived in Godly order runs a millions times smoother than when I tried to run the show.  

Step 4

Plug into the right things so you have something to offer others. You cannot pass along what you do not have. Don’t feel guilty about time for you, you cannot be everyone else’s power source if you are not filled so take time to make sure you are not running on empty. I joined Mom to Mom shortly after I stopped working and it really gave me the guidance and accountability I needed to make sure I was nurturing my relationship with God first. About a year ago I even started working out, which in the past I would have beat myself up about thinking of all the other things I could do with that time, now I relish it. It makes me a better person, teaches my kids to keep themselves a priority as well. I AM a better mother and wife when I take care of myself. Find what fills you and do it! 

Step 5

Be willing to do a lot of personal inventory and ask God what you need to work on. The girl I described earlier could be a lot of fun, someone you think is tough and might want to route for if she was a character in a chick flick but not someone who was healthy to be in real life. I think Satan is working through our society to make sure we feel the pressures of being it all and doing it all, so we feel as though we don’t have time to spend with God, as we try to keep up with what the world says we should do it creates the perfect window of opportunity for him to get into our lives. I now know my greatest weaknesses masked themselves as my strengths. I worked too hard, I never slowed down, I over extended myself, I tried to be there for everyone all the time. Even if I was doing the right things most of the time I was doing them for the wrong reasons. Society’s standards rated me a good person but God certainly didn’t admire those things about me, they were the very same things that kept me from having a relationship with him. I now feel - Intentions are everything because they change your perception of your life! When I worked within my intentions I was often tired, drained, disappointed, bitter and feeling under-appreciated. Now that I do many of the same actions but with the intentions of why God has put me in the roles he has in my life I feel fulfilled and reenergized. No matter how much I have going on at once I usually feel peaceful. 

Lastly when you find your sweet spot, keep it in balance. This is the hardest part of all. It’s all too easy to revert back to old habits, but really trying to be self aware and ask yourself questions like, “do I feel full?” “Am I being prayerful about my everyday life?” “Do I need more?” “Am I using the lessons God has taught me not only when it’s convenient but consistently?” Life is still tough, my marriage like everyones is still going to have it’s challenges but we see it coming now and know how to work it out. Life is still going to be chaotic and things still need to get done but I can be joyful while doing it. I am still going to feel the urge to skip out on things that I need to keep myself a priority to make time for everything else but I know that’s not what God wants me to do. Society is still going to put pressure on me to do it all but I focus on what I am called to do and then enjoy any of the extras rather than feel overwhelmed by them.  2 Corinthians 3:17 says, Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 

I almost didn’t do this today. I feel funny even giving this advice because by know means is my life perfect but I have experienced the freedom that comes from working within the spirit of the Lord and it is worth sharing. 

It’s a long road with lots of little steps to make a BIG change but when you give your life to God, little by little life gets easier and easier and living life daily knowing that no matter what obstacle is in the way, you can have faith He will help you through it is so freeing it is worth the effort. I know this because when I relinquished control and put all my faith in the right things it all worked out. The finances, the marriage, the job, the house and most of all my heath. After my diagnosis and all those tests I was sent to a neurosurgeon to discuss options, it was there he ran another scan which revealed there was no tumor. No tumor and no explanation. At the time I was so emotional I didn’t agree or disagree I just took the lack of explanation that they made a mistake and the claim it must have been a bad original scan for what it was worth, until rather recently when I was sharing this story with a friend and she very eloquently said, “Kelly you dummy! God healed you!”  that I pieced together the timing of it all. I could choose to believe it was a medical mistake or I could choose to believe He healed me, but what I KNOW for sure is that He was trying to get my attention and boy did He ever! It was through those experiences I gave Him control and I have never second guessed that. I have not had a health problem since then. 

You never know what God is using in your life to get you to pay attention. My prayer for you is that you turn the control over to God, do daily what you are doing in the spirit of the Lord, set yourself free from all of the other expectations and experience the joy that follows. My second prayer for you is that you don’t wait for your 4x4, when he is whispering be still and listen. 

Thank You