Who let me be a grown up????? (They should be fired)

You know, this blog stuff could get people in trouble. To me it can one day much like looking back a journal and laughing at who you used to be, what you used to think was important, etc. but now you are sharing it. Others may laugh at it, with it, or about it, they all will most certainly judge it but that’s ok because that’s the point.  I have always wrote out my thoughts, these days I share more than others, that’s all. I may laugh at these thoughts one day or you may laugh at them today, either way I am still thinking them and therefore sharing them so do with them what you may. 

Today I held a friends newborn and it made the world feel right! It also made me think of my journey as a mother and my life’s path. As I reflected on my first born, how life has changed since and the whole experience I thought about A LOT of things. Life in general has been emotional lately and so my thoughts have been all over the place this week so bare with me. We lost a dear Grandfather whom we will put to rest this weekend and all of this has made me very emotional but in the best way possible. 

All of it really just reinforced how precious life is and with that it has been glaringly obvious to me lately that we just trudge our way through it daily like it is a chore and not a gift. 

We worry about things like who, how and when the dishwasher will get unloaded, how we will do everything, see everyone etc. and we don’t allow ourselves the time to enjoy the simple moments. 

However, I am and really have been working on that for quite some time. I am at a point in my life where what you see is what you get, I do the best I can always and think it’s pretty good. I certainly don’t know it all and I certainly don’t have it all together but I have stopped feeling like a failure for not being a superhero and there are many moments where I feel all together, mostly because I stopped trying. 

I feel like the day I stopped trying to be everything to everyone I became something to myself. That something was a better person, better wife, better friend, better daughter, better sister, better mother. Each matters so much more to me than perfection ever did. 

However I haven’t always been this way and I have my days where I revert back to my fretful self.   

While looking back at life this week these were some of my thoughts recently....I wish I could tell myself then what I know now....I could have saved myself a few years of worry and probably a few wrinkles. ;)

I now have a 4 year old who thinks he knows it all (sadly enough most of the time he does), when I was 4 I can only assume I thought I knew it all too. 

When I was 14 I know I really thought I knew it all and had to inform every one of it. 

When I was 24, I was married, owned a home, had a degree and a career, was pregnant with my first child and thought probably more than ever I knew it all. There was nothing at Home Depot I didn’t know about, no marriage advice I couldn’t give, no parenting tips you could sell me. I knew it all and was going to do it all. 

When I was 24 I had my first child...........by my 25th birthday (4 days later) and probably far before then, I know now, I knew nothing. Above all else, having a child was a very humbling experience. 

There I sat naive to life, in a NICU holding this tiny person, whom these crazy people were going to let me go home with might I add, and saw nothing before me but my life as I had laid it out, perfect, pristine, exactly as planned. It was official, I was a parent. 

I officially knew nothing about this new life I was going to lead. Looking back just a few years later on the naiveness of it all, it almost seems careless to me. 


It’s amazing how much you can change in a few short years but sometimes I feel as though I almost could have been two people. Pre Kids Kelly and Post Kids Kelly. Pre Kids Kelly looked better in a bikini but Post Kids Kelly is way more fun to talk to. ;) 

I was never scared then but now just looking back I am scared for that young girl who thought she knew it all. She could have gone the wrong way a million times. 


I am scared she won’t realize she doesn’t know it all and that she won’t ask for help. I am scared that while she fakes it until she makes it, loved ones will get lost in the shuffle. I am scared for her marriage that won’t be tended too. I am scared for her house that won’t ever be clean enough, I am scared for her job at which she will never feel great enough. I am scared that she will never find peace at not knowing. I am scared she will never let herself off the hook for not being perfect. 

Luckily it has all worked out exactly as I believe God has planned and I feel like I am living the exact life I should be and loving it but it doesn't take but a memory to think of how scared I should have been back then. 


Mostly now, even among the peace I feel, with a little hindsight to help my vision I think of how scared I should have been then and therefore should be now. 


However, I think that my perspective now about then makes me feel that, I shouldn't feel so secure now thinking I now know what I need? I used to think that about then too. And I now KNOW I didn't have a clue. What makes now different?


You following me? 


It all makes me think that we never know for sure and we will more than likely look back on our present one day and once again think “wow, we were naive!”  

So how do we know all the gambles we are making today will pay off tomorrow? How do you trust your every judgment and decision throughout your day?


I guess we just have to have faith and build that faith in our family and in our children. I think as my faith increases my peace with life unfolding however it may increases. Still as a parent you can't help feel some trepidation at times. 

Oh......parenting! It’s almost like being reborn to yourself. You suddenly become your own child, to teach and train, you are your own parent to discipline and hold yourself accountable too. I suppose that very much like the parent/child relationship you will find flaws, inspiration, comfort and love in the old you and the new you. Like the saying goes, “I was a perfect parent until I actually became one.” 

We don’t really know what we are in for until we are in the thick of it and then we are so busy getting through it we forget to take a moment to revel in it. I think that could apply to any difficult task in life. 

I hope this post finds you feeling invincible and stead fast in your journey but it if doesn’t take heart you aren’t the only one who second guesses themselves, especially trying to do the best you can with the greatest gifts you have been given, your kids. 

This post may one day make me feel as silly as reading my high school journals did when I was in college, or my college journals would now, you may not be able to relate to it right now but it somehow some way provides perspective to me and that to me is the point of all of this writing and why I do it.