What about the kids?
What about the kids?
They have handled this all so
beautifully so far that I almost want to quip, what about them?
Obviously that wasn't our initial
attitude, in fact we were quite concerned, concerned they may feel slighted,
concerned they'd get attached and then have a hard time grieving, concerned
we'd be introducing some tough topics into their little hearts and brains. So
concerned that we almost didn’t do this, that we almost missed this and I
cannot tell you how sad that thought makes me now.
Like so much in life we quickly
realized we worried for nothing, kids intuitively get vulnerable love, it's us
grown ups that screw it up. Plus if you never afford your children the
opportunity to feel slighted, to get attached, to deal with loss, to deal with all
the heavy stuff, aren't you really just sheltering them beyond reproach?
Sure they are my babies and my utmost
responsibility but they are also just little people that I am trying to prepare
for a big world, a world that extends beyond them and that they are not the
center of. Sure I want their childhood to be mostly happy go lucky but I'd be
doing them a disservice if I let them believe that in life that was always
going to be the case, that everyone got this idyllic childhood, that there was
no suffering. So I have always been very intentional in trying to make sure
their upbringing is representative of the real world.
It's my belief that if you want to create selfless, compassionate, empathetic, do-good hardworking people you have create a life that models compassion, empathy, sacrifice and hard work. It's no more simple or complicated than that. It won't just happen, it's not a given, you have to work at it.
Fostering hasn’t just introduced one of the sad facts of life, that the real world has hurting orphans in it. It’s introduced to them compassion, sacrifice and selflessness. It’s given them a chance to feel like they can make a difference, they can change the world for another. While it's not everyone's calling, we felt called to this and we didn't want fear to stop us and I am so glad we didn't. It’s truly amazing to watch them feel empowered to effect change for another. I hope they carry that message with them to whatever their passion becomes.
I get it, as a parent we must ensure
our children's safety and security but protecting a child from feelings and
then sending them out into the world without practice is like never teaching
them to walk and signing them up for a marathon. Never allowing them to
experience pain and sacrifice is just as detrimental as never allowing them to
experience happiness and security, it sets them up to fail. Life is messy! Life
is hard! Feelings are inevitable and we must equip our children to sit with
those feelings, process them and proceed or they will at some point get stuck.
Stuck in a destructive pattern of constantly seeking happiness, stuck in
sadness, stuck in dysfunction. We cannot merely seek out a parenting style in
which we steadily try not to rock the boat for our own sense of peace and
illusion of control. We must recognize when we are stuck in our own pattern of seeking
false peace and the detriment that could cause our children.
There is absolutely an age appropriate
way to discuss difficult topics with our children, let them experience them and
walk along side them modeling appropriate coping mechanisms.
Sure I get nervous about the negative
affects for them but then I think of all the positive. I like to think of the
sacrificial love they see daily, how that will prepare them to give the world
their best daily. That the fear of losing someone will not be something they
carry because they will have practiced hard goodbyes and know they will
survive. How we will hopefully process these goodbyes healthy enough that they
won't be people who stay in relationships just because they are afraid of
ending them. How they will be people who aren’t afraid to love hard and
fearlessly without ever knowing what may come, because they’ve practiced that
over and over with support it feels natural.
At times it will be devastating, of
this I am sure, but it's nice to know that I will be there to guide them
through their first traumas and not just spend 18 years helping them avoid them
and then sending them out into the world to figure it out on heir own.
Life is so hard, we should equip our children accordingly not just avoid difficult things while we can control it. That prepares them for nothing. Teaching them to love vulnerably and practice resiliency prepares them for everything.
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