My thoughts on a big question.....I would love to hear yours......

I am starting to think that the grass will always feel like it is greener on the other side, even when we’ve been there and realize that is stinks like manure. 

Stay at home mom vs. working mother to me is one of the great debates, which is harder? Which would you rather? I have contemplated those questions many many times and I use the green grass analogy because as it stands now I think the working mother some times sits at her desk and thinks about the pros of the stay at home mom’s life and vice versa rather than the pros of their own situation. Not everyone will be able or want to experience both lifestyles to realize they both really have their own very distinct set of pros and cons.

It’s been on my brain a lot lately because I wasn’t always a stay at home mom and the “honeymoon” phase is starting to wear off a bit. I am coming up on my one year anniversary of becoming a stay at home mom, to be exact June 4th was my last day of work and will be forever etched in my mind because I thought I was on the cusp of some serious freedom!!!! HA! 

10 months into this social experiment called my new life I have a clearer vision of that “freedom” and have been really pondering which position I believe to be the hardest after experiencing both sides. I call it one of the great debates, but it is never actually debated to an end result, other than in our own heads. Everyone has their opinion and amongst themselves probably discusses it but among each other working and non working mothers don’t usually talk about it together. Mostly because the two lifestyles are very much secluded from one another and secondly because it is a very touchy subject. 


I really think that’s a shame because when you have a clearer view of your neighbors lawn you can still see the beauty but up close you can also see the weeds, your lawn then seems a lot nicer then you had originally thought. The seclusion of staying around only working moms if you are a working mom or SAHM’s if you are a stay at home mom can perpetuate the cycle of focusing on the negative of your current position because it is easy to sit around and commiserate with one another on how “hard” it is.  It also robs you of the opportunity to see the good in what you have because you don’t give yourself the chance to see your position through another’s eyes. I think working moms and stay at home moms could have very mutually beneficial relationships and unfortunately they often don’t. 

I hope that if you don’t get to experience both or you don’t have a lot of friends that talk openly about their opposite experience you can get a glimpse into the thoughts of someone who has done both from reading about my thoughts. I hope that you may gain an appreciation for the little things that come from being on whichever side you are on now, and the other side probably envies.  

Before I reveal which side of the debate I lean towards at this point in my life, let me tell you what I used to think.  

To be terribly frank I used to listen to moms tell me they wish they could go to work and describe being home with their children as the “hardest job on earth” and think to myself - you have got to be kidding me?! Then I would run on a tangent in my head while thinking things I wish I could say back like “what because I go to work during the day, you think I get to be a part time parent? I feel like I have two full time jobs and would give my left lung to stay home with my kids! How on earth could you possibly update your Facebook status about your day at the beach and then talk to me about your rough life?”  Harsh yes but honest. Whichever side you are on it is only normal to be jealous of the other side at some point in time and boy was I jealous! I would fantasize about the play dates I was missing. Which now that I have actually participated in those play dates it’s actually kind of laughable. 

Yet suddenly I find myself having days or truthfully some times several days in a row thinking “Wow! This really is the hardest job on earth!” though I would never ever dare say it to a working mother and can almost feel my old self’s blood boiling as I think those thoughts. I don’t even think I can believe it either because I know first hand that being a working mother is no walk in the park, not even a walk in the park that results in a sprained ankle, stepping in dog poop and falling in a puddle - it is hard work! To this point in my life the “grass is greener” approach has gotten me no where so I always try to shake it as fast as possible.  I immediately switch into the guilt induced grateful version of me that then thinks to herself, “what’s wrong with you?” “this is all you ever wanted” “don’t be so awful, there are mothers everywhere that would love to be in this position and you used to be one of them!” Similarly when I was working I remember putting the kids to bed and thinking oh thank God it was bed time and then beating myself up for having such a thought when I hadn’t had the chance to be with them all day. 

I am sure the same type of guilt plagues all mothers at some point in time, those that work, have worked, haven’t or don’t. It’s a lose - lose and one that not many women sit around talking about. There is a lot of guilt in parenting in general and much of it around this topic, particularly when your kids are very young. Everyone treads lightly when discussing to work or not to work, especially around the opposite group of mothers and will never actually say how great they really think they have it or how hard they feel they have it. Why all the secrecy or talking about each other rather than to each other?

Some of this teetering back and forth and lack of discussion is truly coming from the right place and some of it probably shouldn’t be said but there is a lot to gain from most of the dialogue. I think these thoughts that stay in silence do so in part coming from a compassion and respect for the other side; acknowledgement of how hard the “job” in general as a parent working or not really is. Also just plain and simply because some times either one sucks pretty bad and some times either one is really fantastic so we never really know which is best. 

Having friends in our same position that commiserate with us allows us to vent and feel sane but is also allows us the chance to validate our opinion that what we are doing is soooo hard and makes the guilt less. Think about it, If we don’t think of our “job” as a parent being really challenging than we feel even worse when we aren’t enjoying every second of it. 


We give ourselves impossible expectations and comparing our selves makes it only harder for us. Can’t we just help one another, alleviate some of the guilt and add some appreciation for the little things about our lifestyle by admitting that regardless of how much you wanted to be a parent or how blessed you are being a parent is the hardest job period? Then encourage one another regardless of which side of the fence we’re on? Do we have to remain so divided? Why do we constantly compare ourselves? 


The comparing without discussing it with one another only makes it easier to focus on the drawbacks to your current situation and allows you to fantasize the opposite’s position, making it even harder for the two groups of mothers to relate to one another. 

I talk about comparing as if it's a bad thing but I have to admit I have most definitely done more than my fair share of comparing this last year and feel like now that I can finally  make a fair determination of what I think is harder for me personally but I think that’s for only everyone to judge for themselves. 


Working was exhausting beyond my wildest dreams, up by 6 every morning with 4 people showered, dressed, fed, packed and out of the house in 45 minutes, kids to drop off and then a half hour to an hour commute, being so tired and on auto pilot that on more than one occasion I would reach into my rear facing car seat to feel for a head and confirm that I did indeed pick my child up from day care and I wasn’t just confusing it with the day before. I would cry some times on the way home because I sat powerless stuck in traffic and just wanted to see my babies that I missed all day. There was this clock on all the time, ticking in my head, one more moment at the grocery store was one less with my kids, one more car accident on the interstate was another chunk of time without my kids, one more work assignment was one less moment I was able to concentrate on my family. Most days I would see my kids awake for less than 4 hours and on the worst days if I had to go in early or stay late an hour or less. On the flip side after a long sleepless night or very chaotic weekend I would love getting dressed nicely, blaring MY music, sipping coffee uninterrupted as I drove to work soaking up the me time like a sponge. 

Fast forward to staying home there is no sipping coffee uninterrupted but I am my own boss, I make the schedule, I make the decisions, I plan my day. Having fun and enjoying my day isn’t just a by product of being lucky enough to have a few fun coworkers but rather something I get to create for myself. There is no quiet commute and I sometimes cringe when my kids ask me to lower the music, MY music, so they can hear their DVD players in the car. I don’t need to fly out of the house so fast but am always complaining about how long it takes to get out the door, I don’t ever wonder if I picked my kids up but rather where I can drop them off and when because I desperately yearn for “me” time. The stop watch in my head has stopped and now rather than the moments speeding by, some times they can instead drag on and on. My 24 hour days have gone from feeling like I blinked to feeling too long some days. The monotony can drive me crazy and I have some really ungrateful days then I think to myself how did I get here and what is wrong with me that now that I am on the “greener” grass I think it smells like manure too? 

That's when it occurred to me, of course the grass will always seem greener on the other side if you don't take the time to enjoy what you have. When I worked I didn't enjoy what I had and I wish I did. Now that I don't I am working really hard to make sure I take the time to enjoy what I have because there is some mother behind a desk that works too hard and doesn't get to see her kids enough for me to take this for granted. 


To me the source of the debate and the reason that no one will ever win is because they both are kind of equally hard in different ways. Two of the equally hardest jobs in my life that top the priority charts for me are keeping my sense of self in a chaotic world and parenting my children. Well, in my opinion while working it is easier to keep your sense of self and yet your job does not make it easy to be a parent. While not being in the work force it is extremely hard to keep your life about you in the least and easier to parent because you are the one there during the day.  

I think it is different for everybody but I think being a working parent was the harder for me. 

Working for me meant lots and lots of guilt and I was so sad to miss so much of my kids but then again people called me Kelly and thanked me for my work, something at the time I never thought twice about. For me there was a little bit of staying ‘you’ built into the work force.


You don’t realize what hearing your name and being appreciated does for you until you are just known as mommy (which no matter how much you love your kids inherently starts to feel like “hey lady can I have/do,/eat,/drink/watch ________?” you fill in the blank) 

While working though I didn’t notice those moments of appreciation I now miss so much and have built up in my head, I took them all for granted.  “Just another day, another dollar” a means to pay my bills for my real priority my family. 

Now I have my real priority and realize that I should have savored those traffic commutes, lunches with adult conversation and full cups of coffee not reheated 3 times. Not being as grateful as I could have been for those things has served as a good lesson for me. I have always been an optimist but I have begun to really realize how truly important looking for the things to be grateful in your current circumstance regardless of what that is. It helps you enjoy your life in the moment not just in hindsight, helps you be more grateful even in the next circumstance, gives you a more realistic expectation on life and most importantly helps you raise grateful kids because you model that thought process to them.  

Staying home with my kids may have its minor draw backs to my sense of “self” but it isn’t just a job to me, “another day another dollar.” I am trying to make a conscious effort everyday to not fall into the monotony of everything and enjoy all the things I get to do now and will miss later. I am working on not repeating my previous mistakes of focusing mostly on what I am missing and I urge everyone to do the same. 

Rather than dread going to work enjoy the me time even though it probably doesn’t feel like me time. Rather than roll out of bed angry the kids are up so early again be grateful that you get to be the one that will spend time with them today even though it doesn’t always feel like a good time. 

It is only the moments we sit back and look around at all that we do have we can see our own green grass, enjoy our kids, soak them in like a warm sunny day. It is the moments we look at the neighbors green grass that we don’t see our own and how great it is. Don’t compare yourself to others and life gets much easier. Don’t wonder which job is harder, the working moms or the SAHM’s. Own what you do and what works for you and your family. Worry less about what saying it aloud will make someone else feel like and just be honest with yourself.

As long as you’ve got it good, does it really matter who has it better or harder or what others think you have? Enjoy what you’ve got and how great it really is and life can only get better!